I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that