The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…