It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.