never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past