Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”