Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Not recommended for beginners.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.