When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
huge if true: the moon
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere