A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.