You Might Also Like
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face