Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
#damn
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
i choose….tongue
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great