Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Encore…
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself