I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess