The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My work here is don’t.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions