Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
so i’m at the stock market right
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hard not to take this personally
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.