I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.