fly smarter, not harder
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I have questions??
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?