Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You Might Also Like
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Nothing to do, you say?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.