*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
mom had nothing to worry about
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I didn’t realize that was an option
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
🍞🦆
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement