Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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Money is the root of all wealth
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Pat is about to own someone
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.