Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
just witnessed a drug deal
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul