Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
when dads have a rap battle
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2