We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Happy thanksgiving
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?