Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I found your tweet-up…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.