“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
my retirement plan is braless
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet