Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m about to risk it all
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk