Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities