Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries