When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.