[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn