JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”