I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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The human personality is made of five key elements
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.