I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck