Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.