I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.