Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A wise man once said nothing.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.