Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Brands during Pride
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on