*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something