If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”