It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.