learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Camping tip: No.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.