TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.