The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”