Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”