Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio