All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.