Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Cat.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Software Development ⛵️
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.