in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*3.5 thank you very much.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.