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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Phonetics
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Comparing yourself to others
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?