Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?