Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
All. The. Damn. Time.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.